Me, myself and I - Taking Care of Myself

There have been times in the past several years when I've felt like three people .... probably even more.  Like most people, I have several character traits (more on the difference between traits and states in a future post) that guide how I live.  I've been quite driven for most of my life and tend to live life with passion that has often gotten the better of me.  This takes energy and as time has gone on, I just don't have as much of it anymore.  I look back at some of the things I did in my thirties, forties, and fifties and am amazed, actually.  What a full life I have led and am blessed to continue to lead!!!!

When I began this latest journey against a formidable foe - the eating disorder - that had taken over my daughter's life, I quickly got pulled into a storm that just about capsized my boat.  To survive I learned (and it took a lot of time and work) that I could not rely on all the techniques I'd cobbled together over the years.  I thought it might be helpful to list some of the things that kept me afloat.

I love living here in the southwest.  I moved here in the summer of 1970 and was immediately introduced to the outrageous thunderstorms that accompany the monsoon season.  Our home looks out over the desert to the south and we often get to watch these storms as they make their way with lightening, fierce winds, and often lots of dust:

 We also get to view amazing sunsets.  This photo was taken by my husband in our backyard one evening this past August:

We get to spend a lot of time outdoors.  Granted, in the summertime, that outside time comes early in the morning before the temps climb into the 100's, but for the rest of the year the seasons here are delightful.  In a later post I'll go into more detail about my own recovery but the "tools" I use include weeding, tending to our yard, bicycling,  hiking, walking, and until a couple of years ago running -- both on the roads and into the mountains, often trotting along by myself because I tend to be slower than others.  Getting away and just being, feeling myself co-exist with the elements is a rather astonishing experience and very healing.   To give you an idea, here's a photo taken by a friend of mine with whom I used to run a lot:

I also love to read, having just completed Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout read on the plane between Arizona and New York City, and now Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin, begun on the way back.

These tools help a lot but six years ago I turned to another organization here at the suggestion of a family member - Al-Anon

Most people associate Al-Anon with family and friends of those with alcoholism.  In fact, many who attend -- at least here -- have family members and friends who are struggling with all kinds of illnesses and substance abuse, including eating disorders.  I joined because I could not find a support group for parents of people with eating disorders and I didn't have the energy to start one.  The experience, strength and hope offered by the wonderful people who attend has changed my perspective and taught me a different way of living.  I'm learning how to detach with love and at the same time remain an ally and advocate so I'm available to help when the situation arises (which is still often).

I've connected with a terrific therapist whose experience includes working with people with eating and other disorders as well as the loved ones of them.  Working with her, I'm learning (everything is a process when the possibility of death is there every day) techniques to help me stay grounded and to respond rather than to react.  I find it helpful to distinguish between these two words:  react makes me think of a bubbling and at times potentially harmful chemistry experiment conducted in a lab with a hood over my head.

Other things that come to mind include spending time with my beloved husband (we have incorporated at least one weekly date night during which none of this is mentioned); with friends (God bless them all) for lunch or hikes or visits to museums and galleries which our city has many of; meditation; walking our dog; going to symphony, plays and movies, and anything else that one might define as taking care of oneself.  I've learned that the instructions by flight attendants is as important on the ground as it is in the air, which includes put on your own oxygen mask first.  I must come first.  What a novel concept.  For most of my life I did not.

Other blogs on this subject offer helpful reminders to focus on life other than the illness when having the opportunity to spend time with my family member.  Marjie Ruth, a group facilitator in Florida, sends along words of wisdom about once  a week.  I'll see if she has a link to all her posts and provide it here when I get more organized about all of this.

It's easy to get swept away by the effects of this disease and become as obsessed as the person with the disorder.  If I want to live, I need to ground myself and live mindfully in the present. I need to be at peace in myself.

Thich Nhat Hanh writes in Peace is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life,

''Peace is every step.

The shining red sun is my heart.

Each flower smiles with me.

How green, how fresh all that grows.

How cool the wind blows.

Peace is every step.

It turns the endless path to joy."

May you have a beautifully peaceful day.